My foray into the dating scene has not been a stellar one to say the least and results have been well below initial expectations. I am naturally a competitive person. But, between the married, secretly gay and aspiring porn stars, I have been really testing my abilities to soothe my disappointed heart through warm comfort foods, my jammies and ever loyal cat. It has even come to the point where I am highly suspicious of the handsome and intelligent man, holding a carefully selected bottle of wine and a simple caprese salad, seeking nothing more than my company and conversation. When did dating become so confusing and difficult to navigate? Am I really this jaded?
I often think I ought to be doing better at this than I really am. I don’t think that I am that clueless nor unfortunate – speed dating showed me who the real “unfortunate” are in the dating scene. A mass of crooked teeth, unbearable nervousness, with a slight sense of desperation in their eyes – no, I do not fit into that category. Yet, my dating experiences have given me no other conclusive data to prove me otherwise. I maintain my appearance (through albeit barbaric procedures) to ensure that I am neat, tidy and pleasant in appearance. I am a regular at the gym. My bills are paid in-full and on-time every month. I attract the usual catcalls and have doors magically open for me. But, why do I have such a hard time meeting a person without falling down the rabbit hole again only to realize that he actually has a secret family somewhere else in the world and forgot to tell me? And more importantly, how did I not see that one coming?! I watch Lifetime…?!
I was recently told by a co-worker on an unrelated matter that I have incredibly thick skin. Boyfriends dying on you will do that to a person. As I listened to this individual, in my head, I was thinking to myself that maybe I am not moisturizing enough then. And I guess that is the real lesson in all of this – to stop looking to others for satisfaction and happiness but to focus more on myself to get what I truly need to feed my soul.
But that caprese salad was really good….
I always feel out-of-place – like I am living in a different place than everyone else around me. And as I age, I am finding that this dissonance is becoming more apparent. It’s either everyone seems to be too slow to keep up with my thoughts and ideas or I am way out to lunch. Personally, I prefer to think that it’s the former rather than the latter, but then again, I could be biased.
I recently read an interesting article outlining the attributes of an entrepreneur. As if I had been hit in the head with a swift kick by my inner self, it all started to make perfect sense. For each of the top 10 qualities outlined in the article described me to a tee, in my abilities, instincts and motivations. And even the thought of assigning the title of “entrepreneur” to myself is exciting – it sounds important, mysterious and successful. But, resisting the simple lure of a “title”, I have come to realize that I have been going against what my natural instincts have been telling me to do all along.
My work has never been the right fit, for I have always been working on someone else’s dream. I have had much to ponder. Where did I pick up this self-defeating sense of duty? Maybe it is something that has always been deep within me, holding me back. A fear of failure? Fortunately for me, I am now finding that these former excuses are becoming exposed and carry less weight than before.
As a result, I tend to wander aimlessly a lot. But my thoughts always seem to come back to the same thread, over and over again. Can I really let everything go, have faith and take this realization to the next level?
I am almost ready to jump off the cliff. My stomach is racing . And it feels amazing.
Something is going on and I don’t know what it is but I think I like it. But I don’t know… You know when you have a hard time remembering if a situation really did happen or if it was all just a dream…
I actually left my house yesterday without any make-up on and I was completely fine with it. Out in public! Downtown no less! In broad daylight!
You have to understand the gravity of the situation here – I am that woman who works out with full hair and make-up at the gym. I believe that I am merely being polite to ensure that I am looking my best for all to enjoy and envy. It’s simply good manners. And as such, I have willingly spent years and countless hours primping and priming, moisturizing and applying. The thought of assigning a value to this daily ritual is nauseating. Complete and absolute fiscal denial. Yet, yesterday I awoke without any need to re-touch or fix anything. I looked in the mirror and thought to myself how lovely I looked in that very moment. Relaxed. Content. Not a line, blotch or blemish in sight. And all under terrible lighting no less!
The moment has left me in shock and pondering the real cause of this sudden bravery – to expose myself for all to see – gasp! the real me?! I’m not even kidding ladies – not even a quick swipe of mascara was in sight.
Maybe its this venture. Maybe its the Yoga. Maybe its a culmination of my life’s experiences that have finally caused me to pause and take stock of my gratitude for life and for all the riches that I have amassed without expending one ounce of effort. It’s been an unnerving 24 hours to say the least.
I can assure you that today, I am neatly and flawlessly wearing my armour. But somehow it just doesn’t feel right anymore.
About the only time in my life where I feel small is when I am deep in the woods. Yes, you guessed it, I am tall. But not when I am amongst the trees.
When on the edge, the trees both gradually yet suddenly tower above me, blocking the sky from my view, and huddling me warmly into their home and far away from mine. I am simply forced to look up in amazement at their height, their strength and their (relative) sense of permanence. They face similar challenges just as I do. Strong winds will push them in ways they are not meant to go. Both animals and humans will cause injury to their trunks and branches like some sort of annoying pest might. Some age gracefully; others do not. But for the most part, their ability to remain firmly rooted to the ground and unfazed by the constant challenges that surrounds them, is truly inspiring.
For each season, they shed and change, reminding me that nothing in life is ever truly permanent yet they somehow always return back to the beginning, starting anew, but this time with a learned adaptation to protect and heal from the experience. The weight of their collective silence forces me to pause my thoughts. The crunch beneath my feet reminds me that I am moving forward. I can sometimes look back to see where I have been. And the idea that I may even become lost if I am not careful of my surroundings is, oddly enough, an exhilarating thought.
And maybe that’s why I feel more comfortable in woods than I really ought to be. I am a giant of the human world; they are the giants of the natural world. It’s nice to be around and to learn from those who understand what it’s like to be me.